murder

I had a dream last night. 

 

Borderline nightmare, actually.

 

I haven’t been on the right foot with my mom lately, and in my dream, she was trying to murder me. There was no fear in the dream. I was just angry, bitter, and trying to expose her.

 

My mom has always had a good heart, and she would not do anything to intentionally harm me, but I felt betrayed lately, betrayed to the core.

Our relationship burned in front of my eyes, and I know it will never be the same. I said I forgave, but I really held bitterness and refused to think about it so I didn’t have to face it.

unforgiveness

I had to eventually because I couldn’t talk to her.

When I did, it was short and curt.

She has been doing well lately, and my sisters give me updates about what’s going on at the house.

I’m proud of what she’s doing.

She has made a decision I have longed for her to make since I was a little girl.

The victory I would like to have rejoiced in fell flat because of the pain from the past. 

 

I didn’t think too much about the dream at first, but it has made me realize the door I have left open for the enemy because of my unforgiveness.

on a mission

I said some things I shouldn’t have said in my last conversation with her, but she was telling me I had to work it out, and she was trying to protect herself.

I know you don’t want to hear the negative things you have done, but for once, I want you to be there for me as a mom, but that’s why it hurts so much.

My heart is crying for her to be a mom to me, not a dictator, a mom.

How I was able to forgive my dad was by seeing him as God saw him, not seeing him as my dad. I turned to God as my father, and I feel the need to do the same with my mom. I will turn to God as my mother.

I cannot afford to leave this door open to the enemy. I can not look at this emotionally but stoically as one on a mission.

boil

Emotions are annoying when they work against you, and I don’t like to be confused in my direction.

I will cut off those who make me stumble on the path God leads me down.

It may only be for a season, but I need to hear the Lord clearly and not question the foundations of my faith. The idea of having anything between God and me makes me boil. 

 

I can’t see it as anything but a scheme of Satan to tell you that you can’t hear from the Lord on your own. You need a man to help you interpret the scriptures. That sounds like the Pope to me. 

 

I know we all need help now and then and need to be with them, but no one should step in between you and God.

Dance & cry

I went to church tonight, and I danced during worship.

Carisa came up to me and gave me a word that made God happy when I danced because it came from my heart.

That made me break down.

Lots of tears.

Not because I didn’t know that already, but because I did and forgot.

I let other things take more space in my mind and distance me from Him.

I allowed lies to make little roots and bring doubt to His goodness and love for me.

I let bitterness from others’ opinions create a rift between my Creator and me.

When I cried, all of this was going through my mind, and I heard Him say, “You are the only one that can let someone get between us” That’s when the tears fell hard.

I realized it wasn’t my mom’s fault, my dad’s fault, or anyone’s fault but my own.

They can say what they want and give all their scripture to confirm it, but only I can give someone permission to come between us. 

let go

I can forgive my mom now.

I can let it go.

I was blaming her for my pain when I chose to hold on to it.

I was in self-pity, and that only leaves me as a victim when I was born to be a victor.

my walls

Now I had a spat with my sister on the way home from church about something so minute it’s annoying.

I don’t believe I was in the right, nor was she.

I know she didn’t have bad intentions, and I could have diffused the situation, but I was angry.

For a few weeks now, I have been pushing against the pain of being manipulated and controlled.

My study of 1 Tim 2 & 1 Cor 14 only made it worse.

It opened a wound from the past and put salt on it.

Bringing to remembrance the negative things about mom, I have even been reading Isaiah in a negative light. 

 

Honestly, it’s not been a fun week, and it’s completely my fault.

 

 But I see where that breakout came from.

 

 I’m still trying to protect myself. I don’t want anyone to control and manipulate me. 

my walls

I need to meditate on the goodness and love of God because my thoughts have lately been making me a sour person.

Also, reading the Bible isn’t spending time with the Lord, especially if you’re trying to read it quickly.

Always approach the Word to hear from the Lord for no other reason.

I need to spend time with Abba.

It’s honestly been a while.

I have had breaths where I acknowledge and rest in His presence, but I need Him more.

I need to breathe regularly.

Enough with letting things get in the way of my relationship with God. He is the love of my life.

He is my life.

I’m nothing without Him. Thank you, Abba, for everything!

 

In His Service, 

 

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